I reached a place where reflection, embraced by close attention, opened my eyes, and heart to understanding my life where it was. I truly had an awakening that shook into me a sudden realization of who I really am and what I really needed to do to reach a silent place. I awoke to seeing what I needed to do to begin living according to the person I am and true to myself for the first time ever.
I saw what I had to do to obtain what I needed to fulfill the gaps in my life, those I was inappropriately trying to fulfill. I began to see things for what they were along with what they had been doing to me which trickled down to others in my life.
My experience with disability, my “I often think”, did indeed firmly, yet gently open my ears to all the inserts of noise that I had placed upon me, within me, around me. Coupled with the addition to the noise of disability, I wonder how I could hear anything good at all! I knew deep in my heart that the noise of my transition to becoming different in abilities was the one and only noise that I would need to learn how to manage in volume. That would come naturally and wonderfully later. However, those other noises, I knew had to go. They were taking up too much space in my relationship with myself and blocked from sight what I could do, what I was meant to do.
I was a woman who loved too much thinking I could fix all things for others, totally denying myself of my needs. I let lie dormant my inner importance of how special I was to me, because someone unable to need themselves, needed me.
I spent considerable time reliving my life from childhood to the now and I have to tell you, it was really hard going there but through this I found a full understanding of why I was where I was at that time. I could only do with what I knew…
I discovered how I had fallen into the “queen of fixing and doing all” lifestyle. It was what I learned to do as it was forced upon me and taught to me through my life experiences. Those experiences inserted distorted and noisy filters into my understanding of relationships with others and with myself, even my environment. I stepped away from the elusive whys of where had I ended up, but the best part is, I figured out what I could, and had to do to reset those filters and move on. This awakening embraced my strength and conviction anew to me. By laying aside the worry about how others would react to me placing them into a second place to my needs, the love of the need to need me set my desires for being the person I really am on passionate fire.
I awoke to seeing how I had ignored other people I loved and pushed aside things I love to do because I was constantly taking care that someone was assured they had every opportunity to live out their dreams. I had allowed someone to turn out the light on my dreams, to cover mine up with a dark blanket. I pulled that blanket away and awoke to a realization of a deep absence of my dreams and wanted them back into my life. I awoke to understanding how our inner passions are the complete essence of us. The person I had let slip away for the sake of another was re-emerging and telling me to get on with it, to get on with the life I was meant to live, regardless of my introduction to disability! This may sound startling to you, but I am thankful for that introduction for I believe it was this that began to move me to where I am today and become the best thing that ever happened to me. The important and special things about me, about all of us, are so much a part of us and even though they were stilled in me, I felt them begin to rage and tell me that they must come out.