Who I Was Before Is Who I Am Now

 

In my journey I learned that everything I experienced before my introduction to

“disability” still existed. It didn’t disappear; it didn’t run away, it didn’t go poof into the

unknown. Everything was still a part of me that actually gave me an advantage as

I stepped into new territory.

 

It took quite a while for this light bulb to turn on but when it did, Holy Hanna!  I

realized that my before life was completely intertwined with the introduction to a different

me.  I was carrying with me the wisdom of life lessons I had already learned. I figured out

that I could lean on them as I worked my way to coping, compensating, and accepting. Of

course this didn’t happen overnight. I had to go through all the crap trauma threw at me

and grieve for what left my body. I had to fight my way through stages of bullshit to finally

accept what happened to me: I felt denial and isolation; I tried to block it all out and hide

from what happened. Whoa anger – that was huge one for me, I was so pissed off at

myself,others I thought I could trust to support me, and the doctors. I was so pissed off

that I almost exploded with anger.

 

Then I tried to bargain with it, what if I would have spoken up, what if I

hadn’t done this or that, what if, what if…. Oh, the boiling rotten bastard of depression. I

worried about everything – how I was going to work, how I was going to pay bills, that my

life was over, all I had left was an empty shell that once held my life.

 

 
Fighting my way through a shit storm, acceptance finally showed up. Oh, what a relief that

was! I felt the shell of captivity crack open and I went into a full out run to making it work.

 

These stages didn’t go in any order, they were all over the map, some joined hands with

others. I shiver as I remember how I struggled to escape the storm, except the wave of

acceptance.  There are times yet today that I experience some, only now I know it’s part of

the journey.  I learned to just roll with it, isn’t easy by any means, but at least now I

understand what and why I’m feeling the way I do.

 

 

So, I guess the overall lesson I learned was not to forget that who I was before is who I am

now. That life traveled with me and took me to a destination of understanding

acceptance is a key to a grand new life.

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