You’re probably wondering what’s been taking me so long to post another blog. Well, it’s just been one of those days, or in this case, several days. Life’s been good, but I’ve taken a lot of down time to reflect and let my next step come to me. I needed to be quiet in whatever way I could, whenever I could. That’s been my main task these past few weeks. Then it came to me.
I’ve had an Ah-Ha moment – a moment that all of a sudden put everything in its place. My direction has changed to true north, to what I need to share with the world, with you. I’m grateful you are hanging in here with me but please know that from here on everything changes to:
A Woman’s Journey into
Silencing the Noise of Disability
The Perpetual Fall to Nothing
When I opened my eyes everything seemed okay but there was this odd sixth sense something was missing. I went to sit on the edge of my bed and it happened, a complete disconnect unplugged everything. I later learned that my sixth sense became the missing link.
It was as I if I were pushed from a plane, no parachute or tandem buddy. I just keep perpetually falling, smack dab to my bedroom floor. I went to rise but couldn’t. Then everything I had been familiar with disappeared as a barren cloak of zero completely enclosed all I had ever come to know about myself and my world. There was nothing – no sound, no sights, no touch and no feeling – only a silenced, empty zero. What I knew of my existence vanished along with every perception of what I thought my life was. Everything ceased to co-exist. I didn’t see anything familiar; I couldn’t see anything at all… There was nothing in front of me, above me, behind me, below me, anywhere around me. I didn’t hear anything, it was eerily and deadly quiet – there was nothing noise could be associated with. Who I was to my environment and my environment to me took leave in an instant and was replaced with … nothing. My existence became alien.
Then the the thoughts appeared: – What has happened? Where did I go? Where am I? What is this emptiness? Where is everything I know? Why did it disappear? Am I dead? Then more thinking – A whole lot of thoughts began to ramble around until they reached the speed of Indy race cars racing around a track of what used to be. Then the caution flag appeared taking me to a place where my use to be’s were no longer allowed to be used – I didn’t fit anymore, the race was over. It was then that my empty zeroed shell started to fill with a foreboding thinking process of total disbelief, of utter non-comprehension; I was dumbfounded, bewildered, shocked, and frightened.
But somehow, I never really panicked. How is it that I did not panic? I just did what I felt I had to do. All I can possibly attribute that to is my Wisconsin farm girl upbringing where everything fit so perfectly together and even if something dropped out of place the place it was in fixed it. I automatically went into a state of mind thinking whatever it was that was happening to me could be fixed. I went into survival mode even as I was perpetually falling into a very different world.
Unaware of the true essence of danger I was in; my primal instincts led me to just getting help. That was the only part of my thoughts that that made sense, wven though I could not walk, crawl or stand or see anything clearly – my vision was a bouncing, blurring mass of color and shapes as if I were looking through a kaleidoscope.
Then survival kicked in. I did whatever I had to do to get to help.