I find it strangely appropriate that my blog “The Lull” showed up when it did. It fits where I am right now rather uniquely. How about that…
So, I’m going to continue a lull from the past and stick with what’s happening right now. I feel I need to do that for a number of reasons. For one, I really need to just process what’s happening right now and I just feel the need to explore. I hope you don’t mind.
The “I’m Curious” blog posted a few days back struck a more vibrant cord in me than I initially thought was playing out. It’s much more than curiosity that’s got my goat, it’s so much more. I feel a monumental change occurring. A directional change, one that I have a feeling is opening something I am destined to be amazed by.
But then again, I’m really quite upset with what’s happening. I’m kind of wandering around in the forest of “why”. I thought I had that stuff figured out! I do, or I did, or I thought I did? I think (the dreaded thinking process/noise) what’s happening right now is rather mystical in that the noise I’m wandering around in seems to be setting a course to some pretty cool discoveries.
Yesterday, I shared a very personal, philosophical, and thoughtful conversation with my friend Constance Tenhawks. I shed tears and shared my fears, but each time I shared that realm, I found I was empowered by optimism sprinkled with insight that just showed up. The conversation with Constance continued today in both word and present thought. I say present because that’s what seems to have enormously blossomed in me. Here I am in the midst of dealing with yet another health related trauma that has impacted me quite deeply. However, I’m finding myself in this ridiculously prominent place of resilience that I am rather baffled about. I mean come on, life just added another tier on the WTF cake? Really, shouldn’t I be beside myself with anger, sorrow, fear, sadness, loss, blah, blah, blah? I certainly have elements of those noisy things and am feeling the emotions of them all, but what’s presenting most prominently is the present moment; moments that are guiding me, educating me, comforting me. How is that happening? Do I have the right to question that? Doesn’t that attribute to the noise? What’s happening now seems more like I’ve found a place in the noise to be a point of guidance – the noise is there, however, the situation feels silenced with present moments filled with understanding and gratitude. How is that happening? Do I need to know; after all wouldn’t that just create more noise?
Today I shared with Constance the following:
“What we have experienced accumulates into our expertise. Can we use what we lose? When I lost my balance, in more ways than physically, I one day realized I did not lose who I am; deep inside I remain the Cheryl that nothing nor no one can take away. That Cheryl has been with me since before my birth, the authentic Cheryl, the one I love, cherish, and adore. Nothing can take that away and nothing can change the experiences of my life. For me, it’s taking the experiences that Cheryl has become passionate about, driven, understanding of, and really, really good at and allowing them to shine as a part of me at all times. That is the silence we can grow upon, embrace, and paint into our heart and soul.”
And what I understand now; can draw into my life, my moments. Wow…
When one deals with chronic illness on a daily basis, one either learns to adapt or curl up in the corner and waste away. Adapting involves resilience, also persistence, resistance (to the negative) and insistence on a positive can do, work around attitude. That does not mean that you don’t have down days or even weeks or months. Every time something knocks you down you have to assess the situation, dust yourself off, and get going as best you can with the life skills and abilities you still have. You do that not out of blind faith or sheer cussedness, but through the refusal to give into the negative things that happen and letting the real you mourn the loss then rise above and shine. I admire your spirit girl!
Wise words Deb! Thank you!