I spent the remainder of that evening frantic and tearfully waiting for the next day to call my doctor and talk about what I had discovered. I prayed that what I found had nothing to do with my symptoms, that it really was just an ear infection. But there was this sense within me that I needed to prepare for the worst. I think we all know when something isn’t right with our bodies. I could absolutely tell that something wasn’t right with mine. Never have I felt anything like this and I began to feel I had entered a very different place in the world and in my life.
The next morning I phoned the clinic and again, at my insistence was given another same day appointment. Again, somehow I drove myself to the clinic, Once there I detailed the information I found on my computer to the doctor I who had seen previously and who prescribed the Meclizine. This time he sent me home with a referral to an Ear Nose and Throat doctor for an appointment a week later. I spent that week in a terrorized state, physically, emotionally, and psychologically. I spent most of it in either in bed or lying on the couch afraid to move and afraid to think about what was happening. A million questions came and went, none which I could find answers for. An incredibly loud and noisy sense of impending doom surrounded me and but I could do was wait, wait for some kind of answer that I hoped would make some kind of sense. That answer came but to this day, it still does not make complete sense.
After driving those several trips to the doctors on my own, I finally realized how ridiculous it was for me to be driving. This time I called my mother and asked her to drive me to the ENT appointment. Of course, she came to take care of me and this was the first time my mother saw me since the problems started. She was horrified, sad, and fearful for her only daughter. On our way to the clinic I tried in vain to hold back my tears as I hung on to the inside of the car with all my might to stop my from flailing all over the seat. Mom was so scared and I could see how much she wanted whatever was gripping me to leave me alone.
As Mom sat in the waiting room I underwent a long series of tests that involved dark rooms, flashing lights, and hot and cold air and water placed into my ears. I didn’t understand why air and water was being put in my ears and no one really explained anything to me. I was only told that if my vestibular system, which is what tells our brain we are in balance and connected to the world, was working properly, I would become violently ill, extremely dizzy and would have thrown up. I felt nothing. My eyes wiggled uncontrollably and hard as I tried, I could not control their movements. I was given a hearing test. All of these tests took a long time and confused and frightened me beyond words. And the terminology the doctors and nurses were using frightened me even more. Beyond what I had learned on the internet, I didn’t quite understand what they talking about, doing to me or why they were doing what they were. I asked questions but answers were vague and didn’t go beyond “we’re testing your eye movements” or “testing your hearing”. I asked why they were testing these things but the vagueness continued to fill the room. I remember feeling incredibly scared as that even louder, noisier, sense of impending doom became closer and closer….